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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Whenever I look at the mirror on a grey Monday morning after a weekend binge I could crawl. The mirror of course lies. Retching and falling in drunken stupor was the night before. The mirror has had no way knowing my love with bottle. Yet when I pause before I lather I have a sneaking feeling it points an accusatory finger. I have shrunk several sizes.

The other day I was promoted over several others to the No.2 Position. When I walked past the cubicles of my former workmates, I looked at my reflection next to the cooler. I almost was blown over. I looked 10 feet tall. Till I meet my father-in law who is the numero uno. I flop instantly and have a whipped cur look. SometimesI think we human are really rubber ball or elastic that some unseen hand pull and bounce around.

My finances are nothing much but I look well heeled. Everytime  my wife palaver with women over some gala events,-it is a rehash of Real Beverly Hills housewives . Always I hear my take-home pay is grown astronomical. Whenever I mutter some cuss-words she has a laugh and tells, ” I just want to make the girls green with jealously.’ Between us we have a tacit agreement whenever she speaks of her age,- always two decades knocked out, I should keep a straight face. It is fine since a couple of drinks make me see nothing straight in the horizon nor anything in the drawing room.

Now after living through several avatars I am not sure it is plain lying or laziness to play by the cards on the table. I always have an ace up in my sleeve. Ever since in primary school I took a picture of Ronald Coleman and said it was the snapshot of my father. Unfortunately I was sitting in the class of a teacher who had played the same card before me.  He made me stand for the rest of the day holding a card LIAR. In fact I all along thought the teacher was asking me to remind him of his fib. You see my name by right is Billy Liar. It never connected. Not even this day.

Benny

 

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Among my fellow practitioners I was at the same spot at the same rush hour as I did every other 364 day, pan handling. I scraped my pan with my wooden spoon. Every other beggar was doing the same. The noise must have ratcheted up a few decibels the cop on the beat  swiveled around to bark, “Beat it.”

“This aint drum ,-and no retreat either,” I said like a pro.

Seeing his sickly smile I said, ” I found a rabbit foot this morning. A lucky day for me, Pennies from heaven, sure. ” I told him to stick around. Poor fellow he beat a hasty retreat.

Hardly I went back to scraping all the beggars were scraping their pans and I felt I was the conductor and the orchestra was there to follow suit.

The beggars said, “Success smiles on us fellows!”

Suddenly there was a bang! ear splitting one at that. Pieces of people whatever left of them flying before their legs could catch up with them. What carnage! what bedlam.

Before we caught on what was happening a miracle!

Our pans were filled to brim with nails, ball bearings and iron rivets and what not. We beggars looked at the days earnings . No word was necessary. All that metal would fetch a couple of thousand pounds. No pennies from heaven. Who cares?

Scraping pans louder brings luck for beggars everywhere, I believe.

benny

 

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Any one can make excuses and here are mine:

Trump at the White House: I am here for a short visit: May be it is a fantastic thing, they may not renew my nut job.
Flynn: I shall clear my throat. Ah I am taking my fifth
Julius Caesar: ‘Never mind this falling sickness, it is a moral thing. And this too shall pass off.’
Octavius Caesar on finding Cleo dead on his arrival: ” what a poor excuse by dying on me! Now I have to build Rome in marble all by myself.’
Washington refusing a third term,’Not to the Capitol I will. You will have to take me in a wallet instead’ Since then he is on a dollar bill.
Otto von Bismarck: Blood and Iron! I made with these Germany above all. Now I need dialysis and iron supplements if I have to keep my job.
Einstein laying his violin aside,’I have this wonderful melody, e=mc2 but I can’t play it for nuts. So I will just write out the score’.
Captain Schettino,’ Me abandon ship!I just went out to get some fresh air.’

(Sorry I just rehashed some old excuses to keep this post long enough-benny)

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Samuel Foote(1720-1777) wit
Dear Son,
I am in prison for debt; come and assist your loving mother.-E. Foote

Dear Mother,
So am I; which prevents his loving duty being paid to his loving mother.-Your affectionate son.
Samuel Foote
P.S_ I have sent my attorney to assist you; in the mean time let us hope for better days.

Living too well on oysters wine and roses is as bad as having to gnaw at the bones since dog of my Lord Hi-n-Mighty has got marrow.

But at what cost is to bay at the moon of one percenters while worms are frisky and waiting to be had, and the apple is within reach?
ii
John Ruskin (1819-1900)

John Ruskin once received a request for donation to pay off the mortgage of the Duke Street Chapel and I have given here below an excerpt of his reply. It would seem he was addressing our present world; and for those who want buy now and pay later it may even be an eye opener!
Brentwood, 19 May,1886,
Sir,
I am scornfully amused at your appeal to me, of all people in the world the precisely least like to give you a farthing! My first word to all men and boys to hear me is”Don’t get into debt. Starve and go to heaven-but don’t borrow. Try first begging_ I don’t mind if it’s really needful_stealing!. But don’t buy things you can’t pay for!”….
Isn’t it surprising how what we hold up as a virtue and a proof of a solid character is chipped away so slowly that none notices the enervation of personal values? In his essay ‘Unto This Last’ Ruskin wrote ‘There is no wealth but life.’
Dulled senses of a person who has chased a mirage at the cost of his or her personal values,-character, take the place as a slave driver. No pity or no worthwhile example but the constant goading the person to acquire branded items that he or she doesn’t really need. The victim scarcely notices what is branded right through the flesh to the spirit.

Moral: Virtues of one Age are the vices of another. Capitalism invented mass consumerism and made the bible for the lost and the damned. One only needs to see the mess we are all in.

benny

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I am at the end of my tether. I have this slightly damaged goods and I tried all, but the thing has outplayed my hands. I could burn the whole thing up. But then it would make all my sweat and bother not worth the while.

I shall sell the world lock, stock and barrel. Whoever buys it off my hands then shall I leave the hell. It would be fun.

Let me see my little black book: under equivocation: ‘speak with a forked tongue but a mallet on the head makes carry the day.’ See Syria for instance. At Geneva they lie their heads off and they can teach me a trick of two. Imagine I who made a lie stick in their throat now am at the risk of drowning in the flood. They produce enough to drown the world and few besides in it. No I shall not have it. Sell it any price.

Now let me check what I had noted under persuasion:

‘Give the weak and defenseless some bromide to buck their spirits up. Say liberty and they are ready to break the chains off the ankles of half the world.

‘That is persuasion for you. But the Panama Papers show how wet I am behind my ears.

Now recalling how I went about all across the world whispering the buzz word into their ears all I have got two alien tribes living cheek by jowl yet oblivious of each other.

Under education I had scrawled in my illegible hand. ‘Curiosity kills the cat but fat cats know how to kill curiosity.’ The world is reeling under a strange disease of FOMA. Does a man who has never bothered to know what he is really require so much external stimuli? He has information to drown three worlds and he is showing early symptoms of info crunch. Eternal youth for him with such symptoms is a crime. I shall not be held to account for it.

I am Satan but even I have some scruples. I shall sell the world lock, stock and barrel. Whoever buys it off my hands then shall I leave the hell. It would be fun.

 

benny

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Hamid the Sponge could call on Mullah anytime. He was a playfellow from his youth. One day he turned up and saw a stone jar of pickles. Mulla explained it was 40 years old. ‘A family heirloom you could say, Hamid,’ Instantly Hamid asked, ‘Can I borrow some?’ Mulla refused.  Mulla turned the subject and said,’My wife just made halwa, Lucknowi style.  ‘ Come let me bring it’

Hamid tasted it and Mulla asked,”How is it?’ Hamid said,’Please wrap this for me. I’ll taste it at home and let you know.’

mullah-15Later  Mulla Nasruddin dropped in on his village and called on his old playfellow. Hamid took him to introduce him to his friends.

At one place while they chatted the subject came around to halwa. Each one had his own speciality.  Mulla brightened up and said,’I am sure about what goes into Lucknowi halwa.’

‘Lucknowi halwa?’ one asked,’Never tasted one,’Mulla how does that taste?’ Mulla shrugged his shoulders and said,’

‘How do I know? Hamid ought to know what it is like’

Later as Hamid took him home he said,’Why do you bring me into your talk? I insist: keep me out of it’

Next time Mulla was at the house of another local worthy and he had to say while the question of Halwa came up. Mulla held his hand up and said,’I know how Lucknowi halwa is made. But keep our friend Hamid out of it.’

benny

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Rashid was the youngest son of Mulla Nasruddin. Being son of his old age he was spoilt and Mullah doted on him. One evening Mulla took him along to take the air in the royal gardens.

The boy was sure the stick was not necessary for his father. He threw it away causing unforeseen trouble for the Mulla.

Mullah-1Mullah-2Mullah-3Mullah-4

Mulla took the boy back home assuring the local worthy to drive some sense into the boy.’After all you are a chip of the old block’ said the Mulla, ‘Beating you is like beating me. So there is only one thing left.’

Mulla beat the old tree saying,’See what trouble your stick has caused me?’

benny

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