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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Fired up by tales of Mulla Nasruddin the Emir decided to see the strange places himself. He asked the mulla to accompany him. At one place Emir al-Sherwani had strange misgivings. He told Mulla to exchange clothes with him. The emir said,” You are to lead me. I wear your clothes and turban. And you my dagger, studded with rubies. Look at the handle, made of rhino horn. You shall draw their breath away. ”

They changed clothes and Mullah took the lead and thus they set out. The emir had to agree that the mulla was right. None noticed the difference. As they were about to enter another kingdom and before the wooden terrain Mulla took a banana from the baggage and stuck it in the waistband. Horrified the emir hollered, “You are to look me and not a monkey! Put back the dagger for all to see and admire.” Mulla answered,”Allow me, Sire; We are now in Gorilla land.”

Benny

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Mulla Nasruddin during his travels passed through Kandahar, and one morning called on Emir Saddiq and said he was available to offer his services.

The Emir asked if he were qualified to counsel him on earth science.

Mulla replied, “If I did not know it I would not be standing here, sire.”

The emir was satisfied. He asked his guest to follow him for a tour through the royal grounds. At the end he asked, “What do you think of quality of the soil?”

After checking samples “How can I answer you, sire? If I say it is worthless you will not like it. So we shall sow thistles. If there comes up with barley instead it shall prove your royal wisdom is incomparable.”

Benny

 

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What with great advances in science and technology we shall see great changes in the making of man. The other day I thought of creating a 3-D baby rather than let my wife mar her figure by bearing the baby herself. She was in total agreement. We bought a lab with all state of the art equipment. We both gave our specimen,-blood, urine and sperm and eggs.  Only question the doctor asked was ‘How Soon?” He held out a sheaf of print-outs giving an in-depth analysis, time motion study. The second folder had everything about preferences, color of hair, eyes EQ IQ and what not. In short mountain of paper work that I waved away and said,” The baby shall not mind it.” Considering the baby is going to spend time before gaming console in order to be like everyone else, it was sheer waste of time. So it was an instant baby.  I said with a stony stare, “Go ahead and make our day Doc.” “No problem’ was the general consensus. They were retained to create the new millennial man.

Having disposed the biggest headache in our horizon we had to attend our own personal problem. Having splurged on sugar all my teeth were falling out. Do I go for false teeth? My wife came to my rescue, “Why false teeth that will fall out and spoil our cuddling, honey?” Take them out. We shall order for a robot to taste our food and mash it in perfectly round balls. Let it feed you. A small investment, I dare say. But great convenience.”

I was taken aback to hear my wife of three weeks sounding as though her voice trailing off. “My battery is low, recharge at the sound of three bleeps.” What Science can do? Only keep spare batteries around. I was like a Neanderthal man as far as my efforts to find a perfect mate through e-matching dating sites went. But I shall try again.

Benny

 

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When Douglas Adams wrote The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, he added a central joke which has become more famous over the years than the novel itself: “The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything is 42.”

The Holy Spirit while organizing the narrative of the Word made flesh, tagged the earthly ministry of Jesus by three and a half years, that is 42 months while writing about earth events. Number 7 for instance refers to events associated with heaven.

When St Matthew compiled the Gospel according to him three sets of generations from Abraham to him are given in multiples of 14:  “So all the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations; and from David until the carrying away into Babylon are fourteen generations; and from the carrying away into Babylon unto Christ are fourteen generations Matt.1:17)”.

It cannot be coincidence that the same number one way or other is employed, examples of which are given below.

Two witnesses sent to prophesy shall be killed.”…And I will give power unto my two witnesses, and they shall prophesy a thousand two hundred and threescore days, clothed in sackcloth(Re.11:3)”. This is three and a half years in days.

In the vision of the woman clothed with the sun she brought forth a man child. She escapes to the wilderness where “she is nourished for a time, and times, and half a time, from the face of the serpent (Re.12:14)”.

From such evidences was late Adams being facetious or the number had found its spokesman? In whichever case the significance of the number would not simply go away. I shall cite some instances which in themselves do not mean a thing.

Here is a list I quote directly from the Independent, UK  Sunday edition dated Fe.6,2011/Paul Bignell

1. Queen Victoria’s husband Prince Albert died aged 42; they had 42 grandchildren and their great-grandson, Edward VIII, abdicated at the age of 42.

2. The world’s first book printed with movable type is the Gutenberg Bible which has 42 lines per page.

3. On page 42 of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, Harry discovers he’s a wizard.

4. The first time Douglas Adams essayed the number 42 was in a sketch called “The Hole in the Wall Club”. In it, comedian Griff Rhys Jones mentions the 42nd meeting of the Crawley and District Paranoid Society.

5. Lord Lucan’s last known location was outside 42 Norman Road, Newhaven, East Sussex.

6. The Doctor Who episode entitled “42” lasts for 42 minutes.

7. Titanic was travelling at a speed equivalent to 42km/hour when it collided with an iceberg.

8. The marine battalion 42 Commando insists that it be known as “Four two, Sir!”

9. In east Asia, including parts of China, tall buildings often avoid having a 42nd floor because of tetraphobia – fear of the number four because the words “four” and “death” sound the same (si or sei). Likewise, four 14, 24, etc.

10. Elvis Presley died at the age of 42.

11. BBC Radio 4’s Desert Island Discs was created in 1942. There are 42 guests per year.

12. Toy Story character Buzz Lightyear’s spaceship is named 42.

13. Fox Mulder’s apartment in the US TV series The X Files was number 42.

14. The youngest president of the United States,Theodore Roosevelt, was 42 when he was elected.

15. The office of Google’s chief executive Eric Schmidt is called Building 42 of the firm’s San Francisco complex.

16. The Bell-X1 rocket plane Glamorous Glennis piloted by Chuck Yeager, first broke the sound barrier at 42,000 feet.

17. The atomic bomb that devastated Nagasaki, Japan, contained the destructive power of 42 million sticks of dynamite.

18. A single Big Mac contains 42 per cent of the recommended daily intake of salt.

19. Cricket has 42 laws.

20. On page 42 of Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Jonathan Harker discovers he is a prisoner of the vampire. And on the same page of Frankenstein, Victor Frankenstein reveals he is able to create life.

21. In Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, Friar Laurence gives Juliet a potion that allows for her to be in a death-like coma for “two and forty hours”.

22. The three best-selling music albums – Michael Jackson’s Thriller, AC/DC’s Back in Black and Pink Floyd’s The Dark Side of the Moon – last 42 minutes.

23. The result of the most famous game in English football – the world cup final of 1966 – was 4-2.

24. The type 42 vacuum tube was one of the most popular audio output amplifiers of the 1930s.

25. A marathon course is 42km and 195m.

26. Samuel Johnson compiled the Dictionary of the English Language, regarded as one of the greatest works of scholarship. In a nine-year period he defined a total of 42,777 words.

27. 42,000 balls were used at Wimbledon last year.

28. The wonder horse Nijinsky was 42 months old in 1970 when he became the last horse to win the English Triple Crown: the Derby; the 2000 Guineas and the St Leger.

29. The element molybdenum has the atomic number 42 and is also the 42nd most common element in the universe.

30. Dodi Fayed was 42 when he was killed alongside Princess Diana.

31. Cell 42 on Alcatraz Island was once home to Robert Stroud who was transferred to The Rock in 1942. After murdering a guard he spent 42 years in solitary confinement in different prisons.

32. In the Book of Revelation, it is prophesised that the beast will hold dominion over the earth for 42 months.

33. The Moorgate Tube disaster of 1975 killed 42 passengers.

34. When the growing numbers of Large Hadron Collider scientists acquired more office space recently, they named their new complex Building 42.

35. Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland has 42 illustrations.

36. 42 is the favourite number of Dr House, the American television doctor played by Hugh Laurie.

37. There are 42 US gallons in a barrel of oil.

38. In an episode of The Simpsons, police chief Wiggum wakes up to a question aimed at him and replies “42”.

39. Best Western is the world’s largest hotel chain with more than 4,200 hotels in 80 countries.

40. There are 42 principles of Ma’at, the ancient Egyptian goddess – and concept – of physical and moral law, order and truth.

41. Mungo Jerry’s 1970 hit “In the Summertime”, written by Ray Dorset, has a tempo of 42 beats per minute.

42. The band Level 42 chose their name in recognition of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and not – as is often repeated – after the world’s tallest car park.

 

 

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In Galaxy CTA #769 any discovery of a hospitable planet is news. When I was called up before the supremo the news was so hot that I had to follow the protocol. The news remained with the sentry, a bull dog that never let any one sneak past him. I greeted him as the protocol demanded and said, “News?” Handing a sealed envelope he barked,”For your eyes only. Got it?” I nodded and scanned it. As a newshound I took pride in my prodigious memory.” I can quote it verbatim”. I put the envelope back and gave it. “Strictly confidential and hot too!” The sentry simply barked, Move!” I ran up the steps at the door of the Presidential Palace. The terrier naturally was smug and growled, “Spit it out!” I repeated the news but it was so hot I said, ” I shall make it hotter as the protocol requires.” Pronto! The Boss is in foul mood.” Here is news that came in and what the bull dog has passed is only second in importance to what I tell you. For your ears only.” I rolled over before him in a deferential roll of eyes and held my left ear before his snout.” He snarled his news to which I did some turns as though a bee had settled in my tail. The terrier of course accepted it as due to his superiority. Thus I came before the supremo after carrying some 18 packets of news according to a strict hierarchy; and I was finally foot-weary and my ears a-tingling with news, all hot and before a Saint Bernard who said, ” You look loaded.”

“Here take a sniff of the finest brandy I always carry” The dog was jolly and after sipping the welcome spot I said “I carry hot news, Do I spill it right now? ” He asked me to go ahead. He heard me out. Finally he said, ” Excellent memory For sure; I give A for dedication. But what news you can add to what I know already?” I stood my ground defending my profession as very vital. “I never did a nut job. Everything hot stays hot, that is my motto”. St Bernard laughed and said, “Sorry for this elaborate charade.You are the only dog with a tail.  So all that they gave was fake news.”

“But why?” I asked.

Leading me to the grand staircase St Bernard showed me the dogs celebrating the discovery of a new planet. “We have docked our tails; we scorched our rainforests;” Before we move on to occupy the new planet we have an age old custom.” This was greeted by thunderous applause.

“What now?” I asked even as a pack of blood hounds approached me. The supremo said,” They want to see how a Golden Retriever rolls down with his tail.”

“There are some 150 steps?” The crowd growled as on cue,” The more the merrier.”

Shame of it.  I said with pride in my profession.”I am a tale bearer.” But the dogs were all merrily asking for a show! I did only one thing I could possibly do. I peed all over the Presidential carpet.

Benny

 

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The book has 128 pages and the cover illustration shows the Mayor parleying with Prince al-Wa’sik. Size:6×9″

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The other day I celebrated my 76 th. birthday and I treated my banker to a 8-course dinner- it set me back by a fortune which I shall of course recoup. It is not about my gambler’s instinct but my choice of company I woefully regret. Who but a loser will have a loan shark for company?  After stuffing tutti di mare and a night tossing around in bed  set me thinking of my family zoo.

If you choose a shark for banker it is de rigueur  to end up with a leech for physician. My ancestor Daddy Oddlegs, once, while on his grand tour was in Venice. He missed a gondola and where does he end up but in the jungles of Colombia!  After he had got back he never lost a moment to enliven his friends with his anecdotes. Crossing the Amazon with a personal physician in a dug-out canoe serenaded by a school of piranhas always had its charm.

His grand father a scapegrace for sure ran off from home and wanted to be a street Arab on the seamy side of Paris during the barricades. At the end he ended up in a leaky tub cooking for a sea dog who dubbed him sea cucumber. It is a family tradition since, no cumber is served unless it is salted. You see, he later made good as Sea biscuit and kept a healthy reverence for salt. His father was a Commodore of the Imperial Navy. When five he was taken by his father and after presenting to the old Admiral he stunned all by model behavior. At the end Admiral Pettifog pressed a bunch of flags into his hand. Pocketing them he stamped his foot and asked rather loudly, “Can I have my flagship, please?”

Benny

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Long, Long ago,-
when the Danes fanned out of their land to the west they went in tall ships and many islands in their path dreaded. King Harold of the kingdom by the sea was at that point married. One day the young king and Matilda his bride went fishing along a river in their private hunting grounds. With some difficulty the bride landed a salmon that swam upstream. The fish began weeping and said,”Spare me, I shall certainly save your lives when you are in dire need.” The bride felt sorry and let it go. Next moment it swam away. The king meanwhile felt tug at his line and he found at the end no fish but a ring of curious work. There was a setting for a stone in it but no stone! While he wondered whether it was for good or bad the queen having cast her line was busy reeling in her catch. The king paused and wanted to know what it all meant. The young queen took hold of the small pouch, opening of which produced a cut stone- and evidently the stone meant for the ring.
The couple mystified took the pouch inside out. Though thoroughly wet and worn with age the message sparkled as new! Message embroidered therein said:”Keep me as one, so will keep house”. The king knowing the times were bad said, “I shall keep the stone and you wear this ring so safety is in numbers.” The king explained that if anything bad should happen to either one the surviving one shall keep both as one. “We shall save our house at least.”
When a marauding party of Vikings landed on the kingdom by the sea, they searched high and low for the king and his queen but they could not find them. King Harold and Queen Matilda had simply disappeared. They had become a pair of hermit crabs carrying their house on their backs.
Benny

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This gun can kill one,-
Loaded but my trigger wont
jerk at another jerk.
2.
Blessed toy in hand
Is my glock- no holy gow
But self winding glock.
3.
Pittsburg synagogue,
Prayer all stopped because
A Schmuck with his gun sprayed.

Benny

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Past Imperfect

A sloppy chop from a surgeon’s scalpel shall require many more stitches to set right the first mistake. Not to mention a cosmetic surgery to conceal what went before. Is not history somewhat similar to this? A war creates many ripples, and tsunami of two world wars did not occur by themselves. It is how man’s fall in disobeying God has set to write history. Instead of having one Authority man found nations and every nation many masters and the combined weight of history we see even at present. Are not the steady stream of migrants from Central America or Africa reminiscent of the great migration of our ancestors out of Africa? Such is human predicament man speaking of national identity is fooling himself. Man shall be eternal wanderers on the face of the earth given the alarming rate at which the climatic changes. The Tunguska event of 1906 owed to a celestial object hitting the Siberian woods. When the Bible records the Judgment of the Harlot of Babylon in the Book of Revelation (Ch.18) it is one event the nations so secure in their own security should be concerned about. History of mankind is past imperfect. It shall be only perfect when God determines a point of time to put a stop.(To be continued)

I shall leave with something of my past imperfect.
In popular culture have we not read how our civilization got a boost from Aliens? If with their intervention we could only produce Facebook and conspiracy theories and racial profiling as we see now, we must be the most stupid to take advice from imbeciles. It reminds me of a time in my sixth form I had the answers to arithmetic test copied from one who was by all common consent the maths whiz. My father who was a martinet for facts insisted that I had answers to the sum entered against each question. For once I thought alternates facts would let me off the hook. No At home my father after checking my paper almost was screaming,’idiot!’ Later only I realized I was the victim of a sting operation. My mistake was not to stick to my own facts. I had good marks for maths. Even so arithmetic has been my bugbear ever since.

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