Pen Portraits-35

W.C. FIELDS (U.S.) (1879  –  1946)
Filmactor.

The comedy of W.C. Fields was – and remains the ultimate in screen misanthropy.
He genuinely disliked and distrusted most people – especially bankers. cops, wives, mothers in law, children, animals and negroes.
Throughout 42 films (of which only 32 are extant) he waged war on a world which he felt with some justice had done him wrong.
He was born William Claude (a name he loathed) and fled home when he was 12 having knocked his father out cold in the barn. He became a superb juggler, touring the world and then entered the films with Sally of the Sawdust. He made two reelers for Mack Sennett, then with infinite guile negotiated with Paramount, which installed him as writer, star and unoffical director of a number of brilliant malevolent comedies, which include ‘It’s a gift’ and ‘The man on the flying Trapeze’. His languid rasping delivery was unique. Fields was a conman of genius out to bilk the society which habitualy cheated the lesser men. He feared death ‘that fellow in the bright night gown’. Unto his last he remained true to his mask. Visitors waiting at the bed of the dying man for the pickings, got spitted up. He died on a day for which he had a life-long distaste, for its sentimentality and synthetic good cheer – Christmas Day.
compiler:benny

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Marx Brothers

Groucho Marx:
The comic actor had to pull strings in the right places to gain a membership in the Friars Club in Hollywood. After becoming a member he promptly resigned, explaining,”I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.’
146.
During the darkest days of rationing Oscar Levant, the pianist flew into Los Angeles at the end of a gruelling concert tour. In a burst of cameraderie Groucho said: “Oscar, you look tired. Why don’t you come to my house for dinner? I have got the most wonderful cook in town; I’v saved a steak 4 inches thick and we have a dessert that is out of this world.” Oscar sighed gratefully, ”What is your address?” he asked. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” replied Groucho as he walked away.
147
The show must go on
After a fan had said how pleased he was to meet Groucho the irrepressible comic actor commented to the audience thus, “I have known him for years and I can tell you it is no pleasure.”
*   When the one acted the role of a school teacher confessed she was ‘approaching forty’, the master with painted moustache and lecherous eyes queried,”from which direction?”
*  In ‘Horse Feathers’,a foolhardy actor broke into Groucho’s office to declaim,”Jennings has been waiting for an hour and is waxing wroth!”
“Tell Roth to wax Jennings for a change,”said the master idly.

148.
* One of his monologue from Animal Crackers goes thus: Once I went big game hunting in Africa. What an active life we led! Up at six,breakfast at six fifteen back in bed by six thirty. One day I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know. It was hard to get his tusks off. In Alabama the tuscaloosa.”

149.
•    When a member of the House of Representatives said he earned his living in Congress Groucho asked,”How long have been incongrous?”
•    In I’ll Say She Does, a classic scene has Chico Marx interrupting Groucho who as Napoleon is wooing Josephine. He announces,”Emperor, the garbage man is here.”Groucho replies,”Tell him we don’t want any.”
Later trumpets sound in the distance playing, ‘the Marseillaise.’
Groucho rises solemnly to comment,”Our national anthem-
The Mayonnaise! Ah, well the army must be dressing.”
•    To one who said he was going to wire his father Groucho enquired,”What is the matter? Can’t he stand by himself?”
150
During a play Groucho interrupted a scene by stepping out to the footlights to enquire,”Is there a doctor in the house?’
When one answered his call he asked,”If you are a doctor, why aren’t you at the hospital making your patients miserable, instead of wasting your time here with that blonde?”
151.
While interviewing contestants for his radio show one of the candidates developed mike fright, unable to utter a word which prompted the comic to ad—lib thus,”Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”
152.
To an actress who tried to flatter him by cooing,’you are a man after my own heart he said with a leer,”That’s not what I am after…’
His advice to an aspiring stage actress went thus,”My advice to you and all struggling actresses is this:”If you keep struggling you won’t get into trouble. And if you don’t get into trouble you’ll never be much of an actress.”

153.
To ask him a direct question was to put one’s sanity in his hands. A fan once accosted him on the street  pestering him with adulation until Groucho said,”I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
154.
Chico Marx
After a run of bad luck at poker Chico Marx wrote to a playing card manufacturer:’Gentlemen, Are you still manufacturing aces and kings?’
2. As Chico tackled a French menu, the head waiter bowed, and asked politely:”What’s your pleasure?”
“Girls,”replied Chico,”What’s yours?”
compiler:benny

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