Posts Tagged ‘fun’

Be Indian, Buy Indian

Mr. Iyyer went on a world tour and wherever he went he insisted he should speak about the great country he was representing. At one place in Africa he was asked to take class for the third graders. He corrected the exercise book of a pupil thus, ‘I is first person and must follow with are. ’ He saw so many mistakes and threw his hands in desperation. One boy who picked them and gave to the visiting Indian got this rebuke,’ You are a dunce.’ The pupil stood there wonderstruck and the great man explained, ‘ I never throw my hands away without a reason. You be like me, Be Indian’.
Landing at Heathrow he came across Komal Singh and said, ‘You look very sick.’
Komal Singh struck a pose and exclaimed,’At last I met Mr. Iyyer with a loose mouth.’
Mr. Iyyer said,’ I was making conversation.It costs nothing.’
At that point one Mohwak at the baggage carousal came and asked,’ Got a match?’
‘I had but I left it at home.’The fellow went off muttering obscenities.
Immediately Mr. Komal Singh with a laugh slapped hard on Mr. Iyyer’s back and said, ‘Wait till I tell this joke. A swamy who left his box of matches back in India. Ho, Ho Ho!’
Later at a reception he spoke to the locals thus, ‘I are from India.’
When told his English usage was wrong he retorted, ‘I am Sankar Iyyer and speak Indian English.’
In London he was greeted with titters wherever he went, ‘I’d rather be greeted with namaste please.’
At Brixton one in the audience during the question hour wanted to know why he shaved his head and left only a tuft . Mr. Iyyer stood tall and said, ‘when I die gods need a tuft to catch me. Other places of my body are untouchable.’
In America he wanted to see some Red Indians but was told they had changed their names to American Indians. Mr. Iyyer laughed so hard, ‘It so happens I have half a mind to change my name’. His guide asked, ‘Then why don’t you?’
‘I am waiting for my other half to arrive.’
The guide was confused, ‘Mr. You don’t mean your mind?’ Mr. Iyyer laughed and said, ‘no, no my wife. I get only half of my wishes any way and she takes the other.’
‘Your wife has no complaints about the arrangement?’ Mr. Iyyer sobered up and said, ‘ She gets only half of hers.’
Mrs. Iyyer joined her husband later in California and there they went around enjoying the beaches. At one beach where nudists were enjoying themselves they consulted one another and thought they will also enjoy the sun.
Mr. Iyyer decided to keep his loincloth on but horror of horrors Mrs. Iyyer had left her loincloth behind!
‘Why didn’t you?’
‘’You know how much space my nine yards would take?’
They dropped the matter.
Mr Iyyer and his wife were sure that California sun was no better than Indian sun.
When they returned they sat in the courtyard of their ancestral home. After oiling themselves they sat on the cement platform. Looking at the sun they were thankful to murmur at the sun, ‘Be Indian, Buy Indian.’

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Life is one long drawn out trick played on us somewhat like April fool’s joke on and on.

grandaughter: Pake,today is 2 April.

poor old fool: No it is not. Or am I mistaken? (I check the calender to make sure.)

grand daughter triumphantly: April Fool! April Fool!



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Puns Galore!

Marie Rambert DBE, founder of a famous ballet company, on being made a Dame described the event as, the ‘The Dameing of the Shrew.”


Mrs. Patrick Campbell, the actress once complained that in her profession she could not stand them calling her Mrs.Pat. She explained, “The ‘Pat’ is the last straw that breaks the Campbell’s back”.


Noel Coward’s producers were trying to come up with a suitable title for the Night of 100 Stars’ Charity Show.

One suggested, “Summer Stars,” to which Coward replied, “Some are not.”


Max Beerbohm, ‘the incomparable Max’ once declined to be lured into hiking to the summit of a Swiss Alp. “Put me down,” the author of Zuleika Dobson said firmly, “as an Anti-climb Max.”


Poet and author Hilaire Belloc expressed this wish, “When I

am dead, I hope it may be said his sins were scarlet, but his books were read.”


At a dinner party at Buckingham Palace, when a waiter spilt gravy on her latest gown, actress Beatrice Lillie (Lady Peel)

snapped, “Never darken my Dior again!”


Called to address the guests at a Thanksgiving dinner, William M. Ewarts, the Secretary of State under Hayes began: “ You have been giving your attention to turkey stuffed with sage; you are about to consider a sage stuffed with turkey.”


In his early days Oliver Wendell Holmes practiced medicine and taught anatomy at Harvard and Dartmouth. People seemed to have reservations about consulting one young in years, who had posted the sign above office door, ‘Small fevers gratefully accepted’.


Bud Abbot and Lou Costello were discussing an actor they knew. “Nice guy,” Abbot was sure, “but have you noticed how he always let his friend pick up the dinner check?”

Yes,” replied Costello, “ he has a terrible impediment in his reach.”


Sir W.S. Gilbert, of Gilbert and Sullivan duo, was noted for his waspish tongue. Once when a player urged his untalented mistress on Gilbert for a star part, Gilbert turned to his friend to observe: “This fellow is obviously trying to blow his own strumpet.”


Groucho Marx on the Alps: Ah the Alps. I love the Alps so does God , because God alps them that alps themselves.”


While interviewing a Chinese boy in his radio show, Groucho was told that he was 24. ‘In years or in yen,’ asked Groucho. When the boy answered with a straight face one doesn’t count age in yen, the comic replied, ‘Oh no? I have a yen to be 21 again.’


A Professor of Greek once tore his suit and took it to a tailor named Acidopolus from Athens. The tailor looked at the tear and asked,’Euripdes?’

‘Yes,’ replied the professor,’Eumenides?’

(Ack: Cailyn Coffin quoted by Bennet Cerf-

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